Monday, October 18, 2010

Wardrobe malfunction? Move Over Janet...

Some people have habits that no one ever knows about: pimple popping, binge eating, hoarding, etc.  But I always seem to have an audience when my habit of "not dressing properly when I don't think anyone will see me" presents itself.

Last spring, I was in a frenzy trying to get my two boys off to school.  The bickering and refusal to do the most menial tasks came to a screaming pitch when one of the boys let the dog out the front door.  No big deal...unless you're only wearing a towel, its trash day, and the trash truck is in front of your house...and the door is locked.  But that was last year. 

Wardrobe Malfunction #2 occured on a rainy Fall school day as I got my middle schooler ready for the bus.  With all that pouring rain, we both decided that it was donut and coffee/chocolate milk day. 

" are getting dressed, aren't you?" my son asked.  I looked at my husband's enormous long john pants and my pink monkey t-shirt and slipped on a pair of flip flops.

"Nope.  Who's going to see me?  Let's go."  Famous last words.

So we got our breakfast with my 9 year old wailing in the backseat.  "I hate donuts!  And chocolate milk is disgusting!  Please, please, please, Mom - can't we go to McDonald's after we drop him off at school?"

At the school, I parked the car away from other parents (as I have a habit of talking to everyone) and made my 12 year old run to the door.  Then we headed to McDonald's.  After placing the order at the drive-thru, I drove up and paid...and then drove away...without the food.  What the hell was I going to do?

"Sorry, buddy.  You'll have to run in and grab the food."

"Um...I didn't put any shoes on.  I mean we're going home again, right?"

So in I went wearing my long johns, pink tee shirt (no bra), and flip flops.  There were a couple of snickers from the elderly men gathering for their free coffee.  I didn't dare meet their eyes.  The manager handed me my food with a raised eyebrow and out the door I walked as confidently as one can looking like a complete jackass.  Redfaced, I jumped back in my car, and drove away as fast as I could. 

After picking up his shoes, my little guy and I sat in the car at the busstop together and giggled about what people must have thought of my wardrobe.  Hmmm..."deranged," "weirdo," "porch light's on; no one's home," "DRUNK!", etc.

That's not the end.  I pulled up to my house only to find some water pipe contractors parked in front of my house.  I couldn't pull into my driveway.  What the hell was I going to do?  My office is in my house and I had a conference call in 15 minutes.  After parking in my neighbor's driveway, I tried to sneak into the house carrying my tray of coffee, an orange juice, and a raspberry stick.  I would have made it, but I stepped into a sink hole, stepped on the edge of my long johns, and pants-ed myself.

The contractors did their best to pretend they saw nothing.  But I caught an image of myself in a mirror when I got inside.  They saw my pink underwear with hearts and one hell of a mess.  And no doubt, they now have a story to share with the trash men!

Moral of the story:  Stay in bed on rainy days!